I once answered a question by someone tentatively planning to go through with an affair here

I once answered a question by someone tentatively planning to go through with an affair here

And individual therapy would be a perfect and totally private outlet for your needs given that it really isn’t a good idea for you to tell friends about this or how hurt you are (friends can be really judgmental with these things and telling them puts them in an uncomfortable position and will be embarrassing to your husband). Also count your lucky stars that your crush doesn’t reciprocate, I mean your situation would be a million times worse if he did!

But you will have truly given your marriage a shot at being the great relationship, which is what I personally think marriages deserve

As you’ll see, I agree with those saying that this is like an addiction. When I was in the situation, that’s how it felt. Almost nothing but time can help. But one thing you might try is reading forums about the aftermath of an affair, like Surviving Infidelity. It will be something of a dash of cold water. But it will show the sheer amount of work that you’d end up doing to repair things if an affair happened (and by your statement about him on your doorstep, I kinda think you’re playing with fire here). But seeing what an affair could mean could shift your sense of what’s possible now. E.g., you might feel “I shouldn’t ‘pressure’ him for sex — that would make him feel bad.” Well, not as bad as he’d feel if you cheated! E.g., you might feel (completely hypothetical) “I shouldn’t ask to go back to work. It’s just impractical.” Well, not as impractical as divorce! E.g., someone might think “I can’t seek treatment for postpartum depression (again, total hypothetical), as therapy costs too much.” But it won’t cost as much as the couples therapy you two would need if this happened! what went wrong? how can we save our marriage? CAN we save our marriage?” I’d see if you can do that kind of soul-searching now. Re-reading your question, you say you’re not sure you can open up to a therapist about this. Just think how much of that kind of opening up you’d be willing to do to save your marriage.

I’m afraid all of this sounds terribly academic in the face of the intense emotion of this crush. Cutting off that crush can feel like heartbreak, and not a lot really helps with that kind of pain. You can try exercise, intense novels about heartbreak or romance, for minor relief. Just try not to believe the lie, and keep in mind that no “hearty and well balanced meal” like your husband will seem very appealing while you’re still hooked on the “sugary donut” of this crush. And find ways to build intimacy and newness with your husband. I believe that increasing intimacy can be kind of a thrill not too far from the thrill that illicit crushes generate, (e.g., confessing a forbidden desire is not unlike harboring a forbidden crush), but ultimately far more meaningful. posted by salvia at 2:15 AM on [2 favorites]

But more seriously, anyone who can say “I know that if he *were* interested, and would show up on sivustot my doorstep, there’s absolutely no way I could say no” and keep that information from her unsuspecting husband should not be on [1 favorite]

In the aftermath of an affair, I gather, there is a big search for “why?

Every time you fantasize about the way you would hike/watch movies/go apple picking with Crush Guy, do that with your current partner. Share one of the inner true thoughts you would share with CG with your spouse. Either you will start to feel like this toward him or you’ll find out other things.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top